Today is an important day for me, it is the day when I can freely, guiltlessly select ‘yes’ in the countless forms that ask me “Are you above 18?’. I am actually extremely exhausted and tired, while also simultaneously excited for my birthday. My birthday led me to a crisis where I spent my time wondering how quickly 18 years had passed, and how I had nothing, no place where I had shown myself and made a worthwhile impact. Now of course, me being who I am, a thousand of these existential crises occur every day, I can become quite the public hazard.
Added to that, we are moving houses here and so, the whole day was spent in moving, packing, walking, basically every action that surrounds the act of packing and moving. Packing is a difficult job, but today, I struggled especially because of this one special crisis, or maybe I shouldn’t even call it a crisis. I was reminded of the many other times when we packed and moved, it means a complete upheaval of life as we knew it till that point. When you are already thinking about your impending ‘adult’hood, a reminder that everything was going to change, especially in the form of packing and moving houses, was not something I was very keen on welcoming.
But you see, things that we are afraid of and keep at a distance are exactly the things that seem to come back and bite our derrieres later. There was a point of time, in fact, just a few days back, when I was jumping with joy at the prospect of finally becoming 18. I am one of the youngest in my batch, the child, so to speak and I spent a lot of my time last year explaining to people that I did not skip a year in school. No, I might look that bright and smart, but I did not skip a year. I would be 19 when I graduate, just turning 20 maybe. People are shocked sometimes, they are already 19, they tell me. Then they pat my head and say, ‘how cute’, hmph. But I think secretly I enjoyed those little moments when I could be a kid, the one that needed protection and head pats. Seriously, head pats, they are so underrated and need to be brought to the mainstream ASAP.
I have slept intermittently while writing this post. Being back home has made it quite a struggle to write every day. My parents don’t understand why I have to do this. Honestly, I have stopped explaining it to anyone at all, why writing these posts matter to me. It has always been difficult for me to have a consistent enterprise, I always used to lose hope and motivation. I do not want this blog to be a failed exercise, and I will continue trying my best to make sure it isn’t. Yes, there are times, like today, when it gets extremely difficult, but I think that’s when I have to woman up, take charge and be the adult that I know I can be, regardless of whether my age agrees or not. After all, if there’s anything I can take from myself, age is just a number. My turning 18 today is not a sudden change, the world doesn’t suddenly look different to me. It is, for all facts and purposes, just a number on paper. I am not going to drastically change because of this, and that is not a bad thing at all.
I guess, it is fitting that today is the best day for me to post this book–Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. It was a book that changed me the time I read it. A heartbreaking, heartwarming story, I came of age reading it. Today, as I celebrate my 18th birthday, I present to you, Little Women.
It was a rainy, Chennai day when
Huddling in a blanket, I travelled to the
House where little women found their home
I missed father, I hugged mother
Peeked at the large mansion right opposite
I ate Jo’s burnt toast for breakfast,
Sneaked up on her kissing Laurie
Cheering in my head, only to relish that
Painful heartbreak when she rejected him
Cried for the people I lost, you ‘beth’cha
Tasted those pickled limes, dripping down
In the wasted droplets of salty tears
Little women, I became one of them
Attaining maturity
Looking back on these 18 years, there are so many things that I wish I could have done. So many skills that I wish I could have learnt and picked up on. But then, I also realise that a regret-less life is near impossible to achieve, there’s always going to be at least that one thing that we wish we could have done. Just like my houses, my identities and ideas will keep shifting too. There’s never going to be that one stable ground that will be stable throughout. But that’s okay, I can make my peace with that, I can learn to handle the situation as it arises. After all, I did not spend 18 years on earth to stay without a fight. A fight I shall give, and I shall make it a good one. Who said you cannot wrestle in the shifting sands?
And that’s my memory for the day.
The Memory Of A Storyteller 