Raw Materials

Getting adequate sleep has become somewhat of a luxury these days. I find myself collapsing in the unlikeliest of places, falling asleep almost everywhere and embarrassing myself when I end up sleeping in the middle of doing something important. Even right now, I am extremely sleepy and I have readings to do. It is quite annoying because it feels like work never ends and the last week, I ended up leaving quite a bit of slack. So this weekend, I really need to work hard to get back on track. The thing with a course like Literary Theory is that all these texts mingle and talk and converse with each other. If you haven’t read any text, chances are you might get extremely lost in class.

I don’t like feeling lost in class because it makes me feel more dumber than I do on a daily basis. I then need to constantly tell myself, in quite an unconvincing way might I add, that I am not dumb. It just loses its meaning after a while, it just starts sounding extremely insincere and stupid. Anyway, it is not a big task to sound stupid, at least from my limited experience. I can sound extremely stupid without even trying, case in point, some of my own blog posts from the past and well, I still don’t know how this one is going to turn out so this one might add itself to that list. Regardless, I am quite stupid many times and today might just as well be one of those days.

What gives me some modicum of joy is the fact that I am quite wonderfully writing a story (around 500 words) every week. I have ended up writing quite a bit and that feels good, to have something to look at and say that I wrote them. Now, whether those are good pieces or not are yet to be seen. But regardless of the worth/value I assign them, they are still written pieces that can be worked on. They are extremely useful raw material and in the world of writing, raw material is great, it means there is something to work with. It takes a lot of pressure off the writer. You don’t feel as sad when you are not churning out something from time to time, you can work on stuff you started in a moment of inspiration (or compulsion, which is also a good inspiration sometimes, I feel) and never brought to fruition.

One of the primary problems with this blog itself is the fact that every day I write without much raw material to work with. The only raw material I have is the memories of the day and sometimes even that is extremely sketchy. With such a precarious position, it is quite no wonder that most of the time I have to force myself to type words. this compromises on stuff that I could be saying. It is really not about how frequently you’re producing, but rather, what you’re producing and how you’re producing. But anyway, this blog has been going on every day so far and hopefully shall continue to do that until the end of this year. Maybe next year, I can limit myself to weekly stuff. have a theme every week and write one post each time. It is all quite far off into the future and now is not the time to ponder over them. But nonetheless, sometimes the future and the raw material it promises, sound exciting and worth dreaming about, doesn’t it?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Sickness and Minor Confusions

I am sick today and I am already thinking about how much work I have. This semester is already proving to be much harder than my other semesters (or maybe it feels that way because I had an extremely lazy summer where I did nothing productive at all). But regardless, the fact remains that I feel like I am going to get crushed under the work I have. I have readings to do right now and I also have a meeting in another half an hour. I have to take a shower before that because I have an 8:30 class in the morning. But having this much work to do is also refreshing for a change, I just wish I was in better health to better handle my crises. But the first week is not even done yet, now is not the time to crib and cry about my workload. I just have to wait until I am past the midterm before the actual trouble starts.

Right now though, my worries are primarily about keeping up with the coursework and also to write this blog and handle my club commitments and my music. It sounds like a lot but I am hoping I have the strength to pull through without permanently damaging my grades for the rest of my time here at Ashoka. I have also been thinking about a change in my minor, I am half-way through a minor in sociology/anthropology, but I had been quite sure that I would prefer to have a minor in creative writing. But I have also been thinking that I can always do creative writing courses and well, I don’t need a course to write. Of course, it would help me develop as a writer, but constant writing and reading and editing shall also help me. Besides, the creative writing minor is a privilege that many writers have probably never had. Anyway, that is if I want to become a writer. If I don’t want to, that’s going to be a different question altogether.

I have done courses in sociology/anthropology and they are pretty good and well, they do complement an English major quite well. My TA from last semester had actually written in her comments for my final paper that she hoped I would choose sociology/anthropology up as a minor, if not a major. And well, I don’t necessarily hate it. On the contrary, I think it is very interesting, except that the faculty at Ashoka are probably not the best for the discipline in the university. But that’s alright, the faculty are still good enough and well, a lot of these courses are cross-listed with other major courses, so we might actually have other faculty professors taking the course. regardless, I am at a very confused state of mind and I am hoping this semester shall give me a better understanding of what I want. At the moment, I am as clueless as I can be.

But as some sort of consolation for myself, I do happen to like my Literature courses (and mind you, we have had only one class so far and my idea of it is not very strong). Added to that is the fact that people seem to think that I am suited to be a literature student. I am very flattered by that because I have spent all of my first year at Ashoka wondering if I am suited for it. People seem to think so, and I am extremely glad for the trust and belief. All that remains to happen is me taking on to that same belief. But it is quite hard, especially with exceptionally brilliant people in the class. But I am hoping that their presence would only make me a better student rather than push me down the road to hating myself due to comparisons. Now I have a meeting to run to, so I shall have to run to take a shower and get there. I shall be able to navigate this semester, won’t I?

And that’s my memory for the day.