Existence

Recently, I have been struggling with figuring out what to write in my daily blog posts because I don’t really see the point of recounting an uneventful day and that is exactly what my days have been. They have been inconsequential (much like what I have come to realise is my own existence) and to put it out here feels like I am giving too much importance to myself and besides, who wants to read my mental ramblings about how I had a class and how much work I have and how many meals I skipped that day. What is the use of a life whose only concern is about how each day is proceeding and nothing more, where its primary concerns are not of any consequence in the world? Whose world is this existence making better or helping? Potentially no one’s.

But let me move away from that for a second to talk a bit about brilliance and the way it shines through. This is where I think I behave a little elitist and say that I believe there are lives and people who don’t shine, who probably never will, whose existence will merely be a speck. This could be because of whatever reasons and I am in no position to speculate about that. But I think one of the few thoughts that I have about my own existence (what is even mine in the first place, I wonder) is that it is a useless one. Yes, I occupy positions in this world where my presence adds some value to people’s lives. Yes, I am a daughter, a friend, potentially say, a mother or whatever. But these are roles that can be fulfilled by anyone or if I didn’t exist and no one else existed in my place, those places would not be there at all and it would have been a different life, but one that would have been perfectly fine anyway. But aside from these misfortunes of circumstance, there’s literally nothing I can call to my name and fame. It is quite a useless and pittance life, honestly.

It might be a good counter-argument to say that I am but 18.5 years old and of course cannot be expected to already be someone of consequence in the world. That is true, I would agree completely, I do have time. But do I have what it takes to convert that time into a consequential existence? I am not very convinced. I really have a lot of work to do that is extremely important for my life at Ashoka and I am not really getting anything done. Adding to my worries is my own dwindling mental health, I mean, it fluctuates a lot, there are times when I am doing quite alright and sometimes when I am just a burden on this world and myself and I don’t really see the point of going on and on. It sounds horrible and of course, I don’t support or entertain any ideas of suicide (it is a very serious issue and I hope that people who face problems get help and keep themselves healthy and safe, we need you). Anyway, it is all part of the shining existence idea because that is something I revolve around in almost all aspects of my life. I will do better, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.