To be Privy to Myself

Differences get more pronounced when you put them against a backdrop of seeming homogeneity. Changes seem more alien when you keep them next to what had once been familiar. I went out with a friend today and when I spoke to her, I realised just how much I had changed from the person I had been. From the smallest things, from the way I held myself to my hairstyle to my way of speaking, everything has changed quite a bit. I view them all as positive changes, I am quite happy with the changes, they are changes I have wanted for a long time and they are finally happening. But I had not been privy to my own change–it sounds extremely dumb, how can I not be privy to things that happen to me? But that’s what it is, I have been quite spectacularly clueless about myself (I still am, but growth curves, they are quite real).

Another uncomfortable thing I realised today was that till date, the biggest compliment that anyone can give me is to say that I have lost weight. I seem to have quite an unhealthy obsession with weight, with wanting to lose it and feeling inordinately pleased when someone says that I have lost weight. It is an extremely insidious thing, I feel, to feel that way about myself, because I end up fat-shaming myself if I don’t lose weight. Possible serious issues that could raise because of this includes eating disorders, and I don’t want that on my plate (okay, that was an unintended pun, but a good one nonetheless). So I am going to actively try to stop myself from this obsession, it is difficult, especially in a family where weight is given a lot of ‘weight,’ where judgments are passed freely for weight, where being shamed for weight is normalised and is actually considered to be a motivator. I am probably at my healthiest right now and my weight should not be dictating my ideas and thoughts like this.

I do concede that just a year back, I had been a lot heavier and a lot less healthy. My weight was adding to my period complications and it was only after I came to Ashoka that I started losing weight. I was also losing weight fast, and a lot of it was also due to unhealthy eating habits. I have lost nearly 10/11 kgs in this one year I have been in college and in numbers, that is quite a mind-boggling thing. But I think this is where I shall draw myself a line, I don’t think I want to be heavier than this but I also am apprehensive of getting lower than this. I am probably still in the overweight BMI scale, but it is pretty skewed and not quite accurate and so I am just trusting what I feel about my own general health and I feel quite positive about (and I pray I am not jinxing that) that.

I also felt weirdly pretty today and just when I was feeling quite happy about myself and my life, I was whistled to on the road and I felt a rage I could not explain. I had been cycling to meet my friend and this man on a motorcycle was travelling the other direction and he just whistled to me in the cinematic hoohoo way. And before I could respond, he was gone and I had to go on my way. At the beach, as I was trying to find a place to park my cycle, I was once again stared and pointed at by a group of men. It all made me extremely angry, I was finally feeling in control of my own body and finally learning to feel confident in my own body and skin and this just pulled me down. And I felt helpless too because it felt like I could not do anything against them. They knew it too, they thrived in the knowledge that nothing would affect them. Well, that was a ruined mood, but I refuse to let it boil for longer than this in my head. I had sambar vadai, I am going to a movie probably tomorrow, and I am excited to do it all. So, I am going to sleep after a tiring day and because of tired hands that cannot type. My break will be good, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Friendship Fears

I am extremely tired to write this post but I have to. I actually ended up sleeping through the whole night and it is 7:45am now and I cannot believe that I did this. I would have normally woken up in the middle of the night, remembering that I had to write. But this time, it seems like I completely collapsed and slept, out of control. But I only have myself to blame, I have put off some very clear warning signs by my body in favour of getting some work done. It is only expected that my body would pull a rebellion and shut down. But this sleep felt quite great, I was plagued by dreams (which I don’t remember much of), but it was a long, sustained sleep. My only horror was I had left my laptop open here and I hadn’t finished the post. But I guess I will just post this at a different time than right now. But I just wanted to mention that I screwed up, a bit.

The day was pretty great and there were many moments when I was filled with a deep appreciation for my friends. Especially one of my closest friends, because of the amount of nice things he did for me that day. It is quite funny, he is as ruthless as a sibling, never holds back from the snark and sarcasm, is genuinely excited by gossip and knowing about my crush and what’s happening, is extremely annoyed and makes it known when I skip meals or behave as a general bad child. He reminds me of my mother sometimes, especially today, because my mother has this way of scolding me but still saving my pathetic derriere, because that is of prime importance. Anyway, he got me breakfast (because I nearly skipped it), cleared my desk space up because he thought it was too cluttered (and it is actually so neat right now!), came to see if I was having dinner because I had messaged him about feeling slightly sick and he gave me such a look when I said I probably might not go for dinner and he actually managed to convince me to have dinner and dragged me along. How will I survive university without him now, that is the question.

And it is not just him who is this wholesome, it is about all of my friends. I cannot believe that I have created for myself this circle of friends who are all lovely creatures, who seem to care for me and help me at multiple points in life. I have people to hug, to cherish, to love, and it is a wonderful feeling, I love them all from all of my heart. It is times like these that the pain of an unread snap or an ignored message does not pinch as much. There will be more people in the future, hopefully. It doesn’t do for me to forget what I have already in the pursuit of something that may never be. And it hurts to come to terms with this, this idea of finality, almost. Maybe there was a small corner of my heart which had hoped its wish will come true (read, quite a big corner of my heart, actually). I think the hardest part to deal with was the fact that communication still kinda happens between us and I invest myself in it a lot more than he seems to do. But once again, it is friends to the rescue, they keep me away from my maudlin moods, most of the time at least. Head pats, hugs, calm, soothing and kind words, and sometimes, just the pleasure of company that exists for its own sake, that’s what I have come to get from these friendships. Is that true friendship? Why should I/Why do I even want to qualify something that I find absolutely beautiful?

Now, here’s the fear, the end of these friendships when they realise that I probably may not be a deserving recipient of their love. This fear is legitimate, it is scary, because it runs from a deep insecurity about my own worthlessness in this world. It also affects the way I look at romance, it drives home a narrative that I shall never be worthy of love, no one is obviously going to like me. So, when someone seems to show no interest, I am not surprised, I was expecting it. Maybe this colours my perception in other places, where someone might actually show an interest in me, I would very well just brush it off (as of now, no one, but maybe in the future?) Anyway, it is a fear I have held for the longest time, that there is nothing great about me that will hold my friends to me. So I have to prove my worth at every junction, so that all will be fine and dandy. Also, now that I have proudly proclaimed my friends and how nice they are, I am also afraid I shall jinx it. Why are there so many issues that I build up around everything?

And that’s my memory for the day.