To be Privy to Myself

Differences get more pronounced when you put them against a backdrop of seeming homogeneity. Changes seem more alien when you keep them next to what had once been familiar. I went out with a friend today and when I spoke to her, I realised just how much I had changed from the person I had been. From the smallest things, from the way I held myself to my hairstyle to my way of speaking, everything has changed quite a bit. I view them all as positive changes, I am quite happy with the changes, they are changes I have wanted for a long time and they are finally happening. But I had not been privy to my own change–it sounds extremely dumb, how can I not be privy to things that happen to me? But that’s what it is, I have been quite spectacularly clueless about myself (I still am, but growth curves, they are quite real).

Another uncomfortable thing I realised today was that till date, the biggest compliment that anyone can give me is to say that I have lost weight. I seem to have quite an unhealthy obsession with weight, with wanting to lose it and feeling inordinately pleased when someone says that I have lost weight. It is an extremely insidious thing, I feel, to feel that way about myself, because I end up fat-shaming myself if I don’t lose weight. Possible serious issues that could raise because of this includes eating disorders, and I don’t want that on my plate (okay, that was an unintended pun, but a good one nonetheless). So I am going to actively try to stop myself from this obsession, it is difficult, especially in a family where weight is given a lot of ‘weight,’ where judgments are passed freely for weight, where being shamed for weight is normalised and is actually considered to be a motivator. I am probably at my healthiest right now and my weight should not be dictating my ideas and thoughts like this.

I do concede that just a year back, I had been a lot heavier and a lot less healthy. My weight was adding to my period complications and it was only after I came to Ashoka that I started losing weight. I was also losing weight fast, and a lot of it was also due to unhealthy eating habits. I have lost nearly 10/11 kgs in this one year I have been in college and in numbers, that is quite a mind-boggling thing. But I think this is where I shall draw myself a line, I don’t think I want to be heavier than this but I also am apprehensive of getting lower than this. I am probably still in the overweight BMI scale, but it is pretty skewed and not quite accurate and so I am just trusting what I feel about my own general health and I feel quite positive about (and I pray I am not jinxing that) that.

I also felt weirdly pretty today and just when I was feeling quite happy about myself and my life, I was whistled to on the road and I felt a rage I could not explain. I had been cycling to meet my friend and this man on a motorcycle was travelling the other direction and he just whistled to me in the cinematic hoohoo way. And before I could respond, he was gone and I had to go on my way. At the beach, as I was trying to find a place to park my cycle, I was once again stared and pointed at by a group of men. It all made me extremely angry, I was finally feeling in control of my own body and finally learning to feel confident in my own body and skin and this just pulled me down. And I felt helpless too because it felt like I could not do anything against them. They knew it too, they thrived in the knowledge that nothing would affect them. Well, that was a ruined mood, but I refuse to let it boil for longer than this in my head. I had sambar vadai, I am going to a movie probably tomorrow, and I am excited to do it all. So, I am going to sleep after a tiring day and because of tired hands that cannot type. My break will be good, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Eat, Sleep, Live

So, this time I am setting myself a limit of twenty minutes to write this post. I fear that giving too much time to this blog could end up having a negative effect on me, an effect I don’t think is very healthy for me. It is all probably part of my endeavour to develop healthier habits to cope and survive, and more than survive, live. Today, I woke up feeling sick and I ended up vomiting a little in the morning. I can only attribute it to my general sense of health all this while, my general lack of taking care of myself no doubt. I had skipped many meals and it was all causing my stomach to throw up what it did have. Nonetheless, I forced myself to eat lunch and dinner and even though, it seemed to resist and did not seem particularly pleased with food, I managed to give myself the calories I obviously need.

There was a point of time in my life when I actually considered starving myself, because I felt that I should not eat. This came from a place of deep insecurity and hatred for my own body, I hated that I was fat (I still am, but I am more accepting of that than I was before). That’s all there was to it, I thought I was fat and considered not eating so that I won’t be fat anymore. I think I tried that too, a few times, but I always ended up succumbing to my growling stomach and ate. When I would eat, it would be followed almost immediately with a burning anger at my own helplessness against my hunger. It was a malicious, vicious cycle I managed to thrust myself into. But it was a cycle that fortunately never gained the traction that it desired, if it had, I probably would have been thinner but the effects of that thinness are something I am glad I never would have to face. It is better to lose weight healthily than that way.

Which brings me to what I wanted to say here, I have been losing weight here at university. It was the effect of many dietary changes (most of them bad, I should say), it has come from skipping meals and eating lesser quantities than I used to. Last semester, I was not this bad but this semester, I feel like I have lost weight faster (and it has only been a month into university!). Now, I don’t know if I have lost weight or not, I never tried to find out, what I do know is how I feel and I don’t feel great. I don’t like the loss of appetite, I don’t like this and hence why I am trying so hard to bring it back on track, start eating properly again. I am going to work through this and emerge victorious, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

PS: I was done in 10 minutes, which means more time for me to read

Love, Appearances, Plans

There are days when I just sit and twiddle my thumbs, doing nothing at all except the basics. I haven’t been sleeping properly these last few days, and it has definitely taken its toll on me. I feel extremely tired and exhausted, even right now, my eyes are just drooping shut beyond my control, I am yawning every minute. Today, I feel in poor health, just bloated and uncomfortable. I want to do something, but I absolutely don’t feel up for it. I am guessing it’s the lack of sleep and worry about my own health (and weight, though I don’t want to get to those insecurities just yet) that has pushed me into this period of unproductivity (is this even a word?).

Right now, exhaustion overcomes me, I want to be more active tomorrow, get work done, get my review written, have my story completed. There is just so much to do, and I am making next to no progress. Instead, I am worrying myself with playing the keyboard or practising my writing in my left hand, all important things, no doubt, but currently of secondary concern. I have a deadline I have to keep and at the rate at which I am going, I will be a hopeless disappointment (if I am not one already).

This current period is reminiscent of the writers’ block I faced during finals last semester. I know that what’s at stake is probably much lesser than what had been at stake then. But things are still at stake, and I don’t want that to go waste. I am also reminded of myself back when I was in twelfth. It had been a time of worrying but also extreme laziness. My days were spent just sitting and trying to study, complete removal from any kind of activity whatsoever. Isolation, and a special form of feeling shy to go out and do anything at all. That was the case even after the exams were over, I started feeling ashamed to go out. 

I think this shame started when I was in 7th standard, I had just begun to notice that we were all beginning to grow up. Puberty was hitting everyone, a lot of the girls in my class started getting their periods, sometimes in class. I did not get my period till much later though, I was one of the last ones. But everyone thought I had already got it because I was big. It was during a summer camp between 5th and 6th standard when I was told by a girl that ‘people like me’ get their periods earlier. When I did not get my period even when roughly 90% of all girls in my class had, I started looking for ways in which I was different from them. 

The results were not especially favourable, especially for a pre-teen already struggling with body-image and self-esteem. The voices never really stopped, they still whisper nasty nothings at me, especially so recently. I have just got better at ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist. There have been times when I have desperately wished to be different, to look different, to feel different. I have also wondered if I would never get a chance at love because of the way I look. It is a very specialised conditioning that we are all subjected to, I still struggle with the idea that I would find love, and finding it, difficult. In fact, a part of me (one that surfaces quite a bit), is convinced that only some ‘great’ person would be able to accept me and like me. I cannot help but wonder if that is true. 

I agree that love is not completely about appearances, of course not. But tell that to the sneaky voice that is convinced I shall die ‘alone’ (in the ‘without any romantic partner’ sense of the word). Well, for what it’s worth, I am not completely averse to that idea. I envision a small orphanage/school I could start, taking care of the kids like they were my own, and living in a cosy place. I don’t think I would regret much in that life. True, there may be times when I would be plagued with what-ifs and how life could have been different. But then, what-ifs plague everyone, regardless of what they do. I think I would rather not wonder about love–if it finds me, I will take it, if it doesn’t, I shall accept it as my lot in life and proceed with my plans as usual. Sometimes, there’s really nothing else one can do, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Sweatshirts, Miserliness and Spending

This is a picture of my Banjaara sweatshirt. It says Team Banjaara on it because I am part of the help desk and hence these hoodies are to help identify us. Banjaara is an inter-collegiate fest hosted by my college. It is happening tomorrow and I am very excited. I really want it to be a success and see a good amount of foot-fall. But regardless, we had to buy these sweatshirts because we were part of the team. The team sweatshirts cost 100 rupees more than the normal ones and I was very disappointed and frustrated. I am a miser and I didn’t want to spend money in the first place. But the fact that I was spending extra even after doing work, really annoyed me.

I still don’t like to make any kind of financial decision by myself. I need to first talk with my parents and confirm if it is okay for me to spend the money. We can definitely afford to pay the money, but it was a question of whether we should. I grew up being very cautious with money, I never spent unless I needed to. And I think that is something that people don’t understand. Yes, I come from a privileged position and can spend money. But that doesn’t mean that I will, that is something that is fundamental to who I am as a person.

I remember how when I was in school, there was similarly a school event where everyone from my batch had to buy the t-shirts. They cost a bit and I was very very apprehensive about buying but it was compulsory and so I did buy it. My parents didn’t say anything about it but that didn’t mean that I felt better about ‘wasting’ the money. Well, I honestly don’t know how to feel about this sweatshirt. It is obviously very comfortable (I got a bigger size) and quite good to look at. It has my university logo on it so I can proudly wear it and show my love for my university. But it still cost a lot.

When I was buying the hoodie, I was reminded of the times in school where I used to struggle with what size to buy my shirts in. The t-shirts came in different sizes but I was always very confused. I always opted for a large, even though in retrospect, I would have been more comfortable in an extra-large. But I had an ego and wanted to maintain some ‘dignity’ and a large sized t-shirt was the key to this dignity. I also constantly compared my size to this other girl and had to prove to myself that I was thinner than her. Why I did that? I don’t have an answer. Am I ashamed of that? Yes, I most certainly am. Have I changed? I think I have, but I still end up doing something like that sometimes. But I always admonish myself for entertaining such thoughts and try my best to get back.

It was harder in school when I struggled with my own weight and dropping self-esteem. I am better in college. I am more confident now than I was, coming into Ashoka. It has a lot to do with the people around me and the comfort I felt and received from them. It is not easy to accept your own shortcomings. It is not even about weight and sizes, it is about my general inadequacies. I fail and get back up and try again and somehow it feels like I am just setting myself up for more failure. I am a miser, I don’t want to spend my energy on something I think is not required or requires too much energy. But then, I always end up overspending and spreading myself too thin. And if anything, these last few weeks have taught me what a horrible idea it is. I guess, at least now, I will learn a lesson and not set myself up for so much disappointment, won’t I?

And that’s my memory for the day.