Useless, Lazy Days

I sometimes wonder if moving on is really that easy, or if I had it easy or if I had only been fooling myself. Regardless, the fact still remains that I may not have moved on as quickly as I like. But that’s okay, it is still happening, I can feel it and while it is a slow process, I know that it shall yield its results soon enough. I have withdrawn because distance helps me move on and I guess, I can only hope that it gets to work faster. It is too slow for my liking, at least the pace at which it has been happening lately. The only thing that gives me any semblance of hope is the fact that I can visibly see that the moving on is happening and so I know it will come to fruition soon enough. 

Today was an extremely lazy and unproductive day and I probably should not be quite so cavalier about it. But I also think that a whole week of poor sleep led me into this—I was so sleepy and tired and exhausted and I fell asleep just about everywhere. I could not concentrate on my work for a sustained amount of time, could not come to write my paper and get my work done. In retrospect, that was an extremely dumb move because that means I will have work piled up for a long period of time. But in my defence, I really needed the sleep. That’s all the defence I have, which is comical, almost. 

What is the deal with life, really? You breathe in breathe out and suddenly you’re expected to pay for that oxygen you consume in the form of living a life. You have a body you’re supposed to feed and protect (assuming this ‘you’ is separate from your body), you have a role in the world that you’re supposed to fulfil, there are others whose role is to ensure you fulfil yours, we are all censoring and self-censoring and we all take joy in making each other pay for their share of oxygen. It is quite ironical that people say “live your life” like it is this freeing thing when actually living your life is as restricted as you can get. There, I have officially become the old hag on top of Oracle mountain now.

Coming back to my ponderations and considerations on the topic of my own uselessness in getting my work done, the wifi is not working on my laptop. I have legitimately tried everything, from restarting to disconnecting to everything and it still refuses to work. This means that this post shall go up only later, whenever my wifi connects. But because I have written it earlier, I shall use that as an excuse to pre-time my post, this seems almost like time travel and maybe it is, I don’t know. But I don’t want it to go unnoticed, I think that the fact that I am writing this despite not being able to post it shows my own dedication to this cause. That should show me that if I set my heart to it, I can get my work done. It may seem like I can’t and I agree, sometimes I fail miserably. But I have the capability to get it done, the capability to move on, and so I shall, come whatever (where is this fighting spirit the times I really need it, I wonder). Positivity is one thing, but blind hope is another. This isn’t blind hope, right? 

And that’s my memory for the day. 

The Mind Does What It Wants

How do people deal with somewhat of a broken heart? It begets the question of whether I actually have a broken heart, in the conventional sense of the term. And probably I don’t, I have not had my heart broken, yet. But every day feels like it is a small piece that is breaking and no matter what else I try to do, thoughts come back to rest on the same spot again and again. It is like this thought is the shore, and no matter how much I try to steer my ship away from this particular shore, my ship seems keen on getting moored here. The anchor seems very well-placed, it holds strong and tight and well, I just want to be free from it. As much as it gives me a kind of indescribable joy, it also causes me a very tangible pain and I can feel myself losing my mind from time to time.

I want to write, but I can’t because I cannot describe my thoughts well enough. I cannot talk about it because I feel like it adds to the pain. I cannot sit alone with it because that causes me pain too. I just want some peace, is that too much to ask. It feels like this is taking up a lot of my mental space and that is something I really cannot afford to give right now. But I think I have to let this take its own course, and wait patiently for myself to move on and nurture myself properly. But it is an extremely difficult task and the last time something like this happened (though I don’t really recall the intensity), my healing was drawn-out, but not unattainable. That gives me a small amount of hope at least, that when things go down-hill, I have demonstrated an ability to pull myself up.

It comes from my deep desire to be self-sufficient and to be able to hold myself up through anything. It was demonstrated sharply during the whole Kuwait airlines episode, where I conducted myself with calmness and handled myself through hopeless and difficult times. Of course, I had my parents’ support, but they were not physically present near me and it took a lot of guts and courage from my side to keep myself calm and pull through. So I can handle myself, I have the strength and every tool I would imagine I might need, but somehow, still, this feels like an insurmountable challenge. Maybe it is all just the general teen dramatics, and I would like a moment to appreciate that term and how it has become acceptable to use it (or at least that’s what I think).

But nevertheless, one of the problems with being in the state of mind that I am in right now, is that it comes with multiple distractions. I welcome all distractions, even those that I generally would turn my nose up at, just because it is a distraction and I could use one. That is a horrible coping mechanism because it pulls me away from doing the things that would actually matter for me right now. For example, instead of doing my readings (which would also technically be a distraction, but a less enjoyable one), I am spending my time watching stupid videos online. That is just a minor problem, to be honest, but I think that’s how many other things that could potentially be problematic arise. But the good thing is, I realise all this and I am trying my best to deal with the things that are happening around me.

I also seem to have lost my appetite, it has gone for a toss and I know that I need the energy but I cannot bring myself to eat. I do not really understand what’s happening, but my hunger does not make me feel like eating (and that is such a weird thing to say). Even right now, I feel hungry, but I don’t feel like eating, I am instead drinking tea like it is acceptable food (spoiler alert, it is not). But only that seems to make my stomach calmer and I don’t really understand what’s happening. I also think all of this is a consequence of my own mental troubles, troubles that I really need to break out of as soon as possible, but that I am nevertheless struggling with right now. It is a bad place to be in and I only hope that I can find the strength to move on. I have done it before, I shall do it now too, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

PS: Let’s appreciate the ultimate teen angst that I have spilt all over this blog post.

Healing and Moving On

I think you start to realise that you are moving on from somebody when it suddenly strikes you that they are no longer the first thought you have in the morning. You are not waiting to speak to them anymore, you are not exactly as invested in them and their life as you had been before. It takes its time, you do break in the process. No one likes the taste of failure (at least that’s what I have observed in my short range of experiences). No one likes to confront the possibility that it is over, that it is done, that you have to now move on to greener pastures. I think that’s a quality for any kind of relationship at all, friendships, romantic interests, whatever. Once you realise that it is going downhill, you don’t want to confront the possibility of an end. Especially if you had been devoted to it. But once you confront it, once you know it’s a gone deal, once you start to see the cracks, the flaws, the problems, I think you start to move on, to heal.

I needed to get that out because it was something that had been plaguing me for quite a while. Confusion of course, regarding myself, my thoughts, my wishes, everything was called to jeopardy. I really needed to speak to myself, not like I don’t do it a thousand times a day already, to get it all cleared out. Would I have preferred to have a trusted confidante, to ponder together with? Maybe I would have. But I don’t think I can find such a person, yet. There are a couple of possibilities, maybe, but right now, I still struggle to trust myself with myself. It was a very hard conversation, one that spanned the course of many weeks, in fact. Weeks of denial, weeks of delirious happiness, then weeks of going downhill, then weeks of coming to terms with it and finally moving on. I woke up today morning, and I realised that things did not hurt me as much anymore. And what a wonderful feeling that was!

I had never liked anyone in school, that was just the kind of atmosphere I was in. My best friend did not want to have anything to do with crushes and relationships. In fact, the one time I spoke to her about crushes, she told me that she found the conversation to be extremely pointless, that she expected better of me, and told me that she wasn’t interested in it, end of the conversation. I made sure never to bring it up again. And besides, I did not develop a crush on anyone in school, so it did not feel like much of a loss. Moreover, my best friend and I shared a bond that was different from the mainstream portrayal of female best-friendships. I was content with what I was given, giving back as much as I could in return. It was a comfortable and safe friendship, one removed from any kind of hormonal drama. But there were times when I did feel the loss of not having someone to giggle at inappropriate jokes with, to gush about celebrities, to drool over some cool, beautiful people.

I think that is actually a craving, a void that I have carried forward with me into college. I have friends who gush about their crushes (or loves) to me. But somehow, I still feel alien enough to feel like they would not want me to do the same with them. Maybe that’s just a problem with me, or maybe it’s the other person’s fault for making me feel like that. I really don’t want to play a blame game and try to figure out whose fault something is. Finding fault is a deadly exercise, and to me, the price to pay is not worth it. I still struggle to find a proper space where I can receive what I intend to give (and end up giving). It is a struggle that has followed me through the years. Oh well, it is during times like these, when I feel especially lonely, that I remind myself that everything takes its time. Maybe it will happen, I will find that space sometime in the future. With the same people around me right now, or maybe with new people. But it will happen. I don’t have any way to say that with absolute certainty. But sometimes, belief, that’s everything. isn’t it?

And that’s my memory for the day.

 

Losing Time and Gaining Something Else Hopefully (?)

There are times when I lose track of time, and completely forget to do something I totally should have done. Today was such a day. I had to fill the course evaluation forms for my courses, something which I totally forgot to do. So if they do not extend the deadline for it, I will be getting my grades late. Which would mean that I will be left with more stress, because while everyone got their closure faster, I will not. Joy be with me.

But on a more happier note, I only have one paper left to write, so once that is done tomorrow, I can take a well-deserved break. I can watch movies, watch stand up, eat my meals on time, sleep on time and for long periods without feeling guilty, and basically have a fun time. And after a few days, I will be travelling back home. It all ends tomorrow and I honestly cannot wait for it. But I have no other option but to wait.

I had a paper due today and I managed to actually shoot around 500 words above the word limit. I was so happy because I had been really struggling with words lately and to do something like that meant that I was slowly struggling and recuperating. But I also had a reality check when I realised that I was able to write so much only because the paper was about myself and about my personal growth, it was a self-reflective piece I had to write, compiling all the assignments I had done in that course. Or as my professor calls it, my final portfolio.

I had also applied for an internship, an editorial one for a professor of mine’s latest book.  Today, I got a reply saying that I had been shortlisted for the next round. The next round involves reading and editing a small 4-page extract he has sent, and I am excited about it but also equally terrified. But here is what happened, he had, in his mail addressed me as Yashavi instead of Yashasvi. So I sent a mail to him in reply–it read:

Dear Professor XYZ,
The first thing I noticed in the mail was that you had misspelt my name–you forgot to add an ‘s’, typing Yashavi instead of Yashasvi.
I did not know how to draw your attention to it.
But because I shall be editing the document you have sent, I cannot in good conscience not mention this small error in the email.
I hope I have not overstepped.
Yours Conscientiously,
Yashasvi

I became very nervous after sending the mail and I spent nearly a minute calming myself down. But in just three minutes, I got an email from him. It read,

Oh yes, I’m so glad you’ve pointed that out to me! The mark of a good editor – and a misspelled name must not escape attention!

I was so thankful that he had been sportive with me being a smart-alec. The mail was a risk I took, I could have offended him and it could have resulted in me being kicked out. But I am glad that he took it lightly. But there is this voice in my head, yes, that annoying voice again, that tells me that he is probably completely annoyed inside but being polite outside. But then, this voice inside me has always found some great joy in putting doubts into me. I am still struggling to come to terms with it and learn to ignore it from time to time, but I obviously am not successful all the time. But sometimes, I am successful in ignoring it and it has helped me move on in life. After all, these voices exist in our head all the time. It is up to us to selectively hear them, isn’t it?

And that’s my memory for the day.