Useless, Lazy Days

I sometimes wonder if moving on is really that easy, or if I had it easy or if I had only been fooling myself. Regardless, the fact still remains that I may not have moved on as quickly as I like. But that’s okay, it is still happening, I can feel it and while it is a slow process, I know that it shall yield its results soon enough. I have withdrawn because distance helps me move on and I guess, I can only hope that it gets to work faster. It is too slow for my liking, at least the pace at which it has been happening lately. The only thing that gives me any semblance of hope is the fact that I can visibly see that the moving on is happening and so I know it will come to fruition soon enough. 

Today was an extremely lazy and unproductive day and I probably should not be quite so cavalier about it. But I also think that a whole week of poor sleep led me into this—I was so sleepy and tired and exhausted and I fell asleep just about everywhere. I could not concentrate on my work for a sustained amount of time, could not come to write my paper and get my work done. In retrospect, that was an extremely dumb move because that means I will have work piled up for a long period of time. But in my defence, I really needed the sleep. That’s all the defence I have, which is comical, almost. 

What is the deal with life, really? You breathe in breathe out and suddenly you’re expected to pay for that oxygen you consume in the form of living a life. You have a body you’re supposed to feed and protect (assuming this ‘you’ is separate from your body), you have a role in the world that you’re supposed to fulfil, there are others whose role is to ensure you fulfil yours, we are all censoring and self-censoring and we all take joy in making each other pay for their share of oxygen. It is quite ironical that people say “live your life” like it is this freeing thing when actually living your life is as restricted as you can get. There, I have officially become the old hag on top of Oracle mountain now.

Coming back to my ponderations and considerations on the topic of my own uselessness in getting my work done, the wifi is not working on my laptop. I have legitimately tried everything, from restarting to disconnecting to everything and it still refuses to work. This means that this post shall go up only later, whenever my wifi connects. But because I have written it earlier, I shall use that as an excuse to pre-time my post, this seems almost like time travel and maybe it is, I don’t know. But I don’t want it to go unnoticed, I think that the fact that I am writing this despite not being able to post it shows my own dedication to this cause. That should show me that if I set my heart to it, I can get my work done. It may seem like I can’t and I agree, sometimes I fail miserably. But I have the capability to get it done, the capability to move on, and so I shall, come whatever (where is this fighting spirit the times I really need it, I wonder). Positivity is one thing, but blind hope is another. This isn’t blind hope, right? 

And that’s my memory for the day. 

Fed-up with Frustrations and Fights

Is being passive-aggressive, more effective or better than being confrontational? Asking for a friend. But no, in all honesty, these last few days have been quite bad and left me feeling frustrated and fed up. I wanted to confront certain people because I was feeling quite ignored and irrelevant. I ended up acting on an impulse and rudely called out one person, and I immediately regretted my actions as soon as the message was out. Now, if I wanted, I could have simply deleted the message before she saw it. But there was also this feeling of relief in finally saying it out loud. Also, to delete it would be cowardly. Given my state, I was seeking both relief and also a reason to not be cowardly. I ended up apologising for being rude. But she was apologetic too, cleared up many things, I felt relieved at the end of it. But do I want to repeat the exercise with the others? I doubt it.

There have been many times when I have been extremely passive-aggressive or confrontational while I was in school. I was and still am, to a large extent, short-tempered and quick to anger. During a meeting for our school’s annual interschool culturals, I blasted the cultural secretary for being an ass, for being completely hopeless with management, and for being all talk and no action. That is not an isolated incident, there have been times when I have been short-tempered and reacted like that with my own family too. But when I went to college, I actively tried to break out of it. I tried my best to accommodating and less short-tempered. I think it worked really well, people thought I was a patient, innocent creature. I doubt they suspected the demon within me.

The first time a few of my friends heard me arguing with my parents, they were surprised that I was capable of such anger. Even in my anger, I have always demonstrated a level of control, which I think is a huge part of my personality. As I said, fights signify vulnerabilities. I hate vulnerabilities, being vulnerable. So my efforts to reduce the chinks in my armour makes me more in control of myself. It is all part of this need to be in control, to be ready, and independent that I have always embodied. But college made me more passive, more submissive, in a sense. It is not a role I have taken before, but somehow college made it seem natural for me.

Now I struggle because there are parts of me that want to be dominant, be in control and in power that are constantly in a tug of war with the parts of me that want to let go. Fights signify vulnerabilities, and this fight also reminds me that I am vulnerable. I have always been vulnerable, parts of me that used to be alien to me are coming to the front now. There are determined, optimistic parts existing alongside parts that have given up all hope. As I said in my previous post, differences are inevitable. I can only hope that these parts shall exist peacefully henceforth because quite honestly, I am fed up with fighting.

Today, I applied for two internships–a volunteering internship and a paid internship. I do not want to talk about them because I am in eternal fear that I shall jinx my application. But then irrational fears are just that, irrational. But I guess, right now, I would like to hold on to the fear because it would absolve me of blame if I don’t get the internships. The semester hasn’t been a very successful one, and it has left me with a sense of hopelessness for the summer and the semester to follow. I can only hope that things shall start looking up soon because I am quite fed up with this down phase, I have tolerated and lived it with for long enough now. I want to move on, to become happier, to let go of things that weigh me down, to move past my heartbreaks and losses. That is not an unreasonable demand now, is it?

And that’s my memory for the day.