(I) Better Work

The internet is not working at the moment and so I decided that since I could not access my readings, I might as well get started on my blog post for the day. But the problem is, I need the internet just to write my blog post. That realisation came moments after I jubilantly typed in my blog’s URL and was met with an error message that reminded me that my blog was not divorced from its very apparent virtual setting. I cannot help it, but sometimes reality evades me, not because I am a dreamer but because I am a slacker and I forget things, I forget that I exist a very material life, not in favour of a different kind of existence but a kind of non-existence. 

Writing as I do these days, I am met with a slightly unnerving realisation that I have started writing a lot like those theorists I am reading. Of course my ideas and thought processes are not half as complex (I am quite a pleb, so to speak) and my language not that complicated or elaborate, my vocabulary mediocre at best (and I am tempted to wonder if this was the humility topos speaking), but nevertheless, I end up writing long sentences and my analysing and close reading skills have also developed quite a bit. I am proud of that, yes, but I am also unnerved by it (not scared, but rather unnerved).

I have a lot of readings left to do and a lot of work to complete but I am writing this blog post now. But surprisingly, I am not plagued with the usual guilt that I normally would. In fact, I am not even feeling my general overwhelmedness. I am quite peaceful and calm, which can be an extremely foolish move at the moment because I really have a lot to get done. But I don’t feel that sinking feeling about my work, none of that hopelessness that I have come to accept as normal. So there’s that feeling of peace that is quite alien to me but which I am deeply appreciative of. 

I have been kicked out of my room earlier than usual because my roommate cannot tolerate light and sound when she’s sleeping and she wanted to sleep early today. I work the best while I am in my room but I have to leave when she comes to sleep. It is a bit of a shitty situation but I cannot help it at the moment, I did choose her as my roommate again this year. But I guess sitting in the common room is not that bad, it gives me a semblance of sociality, being surrounded by people who all seem like they are struggling too is a good ego boost, honestly. I am also meeting a professor tomorrow, I sought him out actually because I wanted to know things about translation and he responded quite nicely and asked me to meet him tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that will go well. I am also getting through my work, little by little and I am hoping I shall get with at least some parts of it by tonight. Is that too much to ask for, really?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Raksha Bandhan Family

So I have already received readings for one of my courses and as I read the first few lines, I am once again hit with the same old fear that plagued me throughout my first year. It is the fear of whether I am suited for this, if I should be doing Literature at all, that plagues me all the time. But this time, as I sit on my bed, trying to read the incredibly hard text set to my class, I am trying to convince myself that I have it in me to get this done. But I am no doubt afraid of what is to come, of what I will learn about myself and my interests. I am afraid of my major choice, but I have one more semester to figure that out. Hopefully, I stick to English, because I really do enjoy it and hopefully my professors this semester will help me come to find more clarity with it.

It is very weird being in a different room, different bed, different hostel. This hostel is farther away from the academic block than my last one and the fact that I am on the seventh floor means that I cannot even take the stairs up. And the lift stops at every floor and annoys me and if I happen to have the misfortune of arriving just as the lift closes (which I happen to have a lot), then it really ruins my mood and makes me cranky and sad. I am just annoyed by how lucky people sometimes are, and I know that it is not fair of me to be angry. But to think of it, I have such bad luck sometimes, with almost everything, despite me trying my level best to be the most responsible and amazing child I can ever be. It is not fair that people who are probably half as responsible I am, get away with stuff with consequences far less severe than I have faced for no fault of my own. But again, things are the way they are and honestly, I probably have better stuff to crib about than the alleged good luck of others.

Today, I went to Anju aunty’s (from London airport) house, here in Delhi. She had graciously taken me in that day and had insisted that I need to come to her house for Raksha Bandhan. Now, where I come from, we don’t celebrate Raksha Bandhan. The only exposure I have to Raksha Bandhan is through seeing Cadbury Celebrations advertisements and wishing I had an elder brother who would gift me something and be nice to me. As an elder sibling, I feel everyone goes through a lot of issues and anxiety. We are forced to take responsibility for the younger sibling and well, Raksha Bandhan is at least a way of showing appreciation (even though it is only for elder brothers, and reinforces toxic patriarchal notions of strong, older men protecting young, weak women). But I think for my years of service to my younger brother (and may I reiterate that logically I need not give two cents about him, but societally I am expected to, because one, I am a female human, and two, I am older than him), I deserve a rakhi.

Anyway, I went there, had good food, watched TV for a while, chatted with her son and daughter, tied rakhi for the bhaiya, and generally had a good time. It was a good time for me to take a break and have fun and what fun I had! I still cannot believe that I managed to find a wonderful family here who have been nothing but kind to me. They had no reason to give two figs about me but they did and I am grateful for the love and attention. I also got a gift, a salwar, in dark, olive green and surprisingly it fit and I also really liked the colour because I don’t have that colour dress with me. It was truly thoughtful of the aunty to do these things for her. My father used to say something that he would allegedly quite from the Bhagavad Gita. He would say, “nadappavai ellaam nalladhirke” (everything that happens is for the good). Getting stranded in the airports gave me a wonderful relationship and I am mighty glad about it. Sometimes, despite the beef between the family, their words do make our days better, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

A Small, Small Post

I am running on a very tight schedule now. I have barely five minutes to write this post before I have to rush for a meeting. I hate and love meetings, they simultaneously make me feel productive but also annoyed and frustrated. I already know that I will be the only one speaking in that meeting as we discuss about our combines post for class. It is not nice to have your whole team to be blank and not have done their readings.

But I am done complaining, it makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong. Maybe I am, I don’t know. It is my bestfriend’s (I cannot bring myself to accept that she is now probably more my ex-bestfriend) birthday today and I called her at midnight but that’s it. I did not call her through the day, something that is affecting me badly right now a lot. I am also extremely sleepy, have readings to do (a whole book + a writing assignment + more readings) for tomorrow. So I will have to cut short this post, I hate doing that. My story is still going on, I am at 5100 words right now and I really don’t know where it is going or what is happening. I will be able to complete it, won’t I?

And that’s my memory for the day