Unexpected Things Happen All the Time

I think I have gotten used to the idea of being overwhelmed, I forget the times when things used to be simpler 9which wasn’t even that long back in the past, to be honest). I cannot help but chastise myself, because a lot of this is caused by my own stupidity/naivety. I was naive enough to like someone, so much so that the smallest things got me anxious, nervous, and so many other things including despair. An unread message became the bane of my existence, an unopened snap became the stick with which I measured my own self, someone else’s comment on my apparent “un-gorgeousness” got me into a spiral of self-pity and disappointment. Need I even go on? Funny thing is, it still affects me, but I think I am finally ready to somewhat let go and move on. If things happen, let them, but I need to stop myself from doing the dumb things I have been doing all this while.

This feeling of being overwhelmed is not alien to me. Taking a trip down memory lane, back to the previous semester, or particularly, the end of that semester, I can very clearly see how flustered and overwhelmed I was. What is alien to me, however, is the fact that it has been so little time since university started at all. Three weeks and that’s it and I already feeling my tearing my hair apart from frustration. It doesn’t help that I end up screwing up everything I do. It starts from the from the smallest of things like getting three meals a day, to writing some emails. Everywhere I turn, I am bombarded with a thousand different things and I manage to fantastically ruin them all. Of course, this general hopelessness aside, I have not exactly been having the good run I wanted to have with this semester. My whole academic life is at stake, I don’t know what this semester will bring. I cannot deal with more disappointment than I already have.

But one thing that has been relatively going better in my life is my Carnatic flute classes. I now have my own flute for the semester and I am enjoying the instrument. I can now play the seven notes in the Harikamoji Ragam (I think that’s how it’s spelt, but oh well) and also a small tune with only S, R and G. So that’s good progress because I am finally making sound and I feel more hopeful about the instrument now. All is not yet lost, I can learn to play something at least and it is always a cool skill, in my opinion, to know to play an instrument. I felt that way with the keyboard for sure, when I could play this melody that I thought only experienced players could play, it felt great! I am pretty sure I also shared that joy over here, as I very visibly improved with constant practice. That is something I am trying to do with the flute at the moment, I try to practice every day so that I have a better “success rate” (which basically means I can produce sound in the first try, all the time). It is still not reality but I have progressed quite a bit and I am very much proud of that.

I am finishing this post up early because I have too much work to do and I wanted to get this done before dinner so that the time after dinner can be utilised properly for concentrated study. Now I am afraid that stating it out loud (or typing it out, whatever) might actually have the opposite effect and I might end up not finishing my work. That is terrifying, I am scared of my own speech and jinxing capabilities. Also, just a few minutes back, I was hit with a sense of crippling loneliness. I don’t know what exactly brought it, I had been planning on getting dinner with my roommate, but she cancelled last moment and I didn’t have anyone to go to the mess with. I couldn’t find my friends, they were either outside campus or at the Freshers’ party and I just missed them. Well, I messaged one of my friends and then the feeling just vanished as quickly as it had made its appearance and now I don’t even know why that one moment of sentimental stupidity occurred. But I guess things just happen sometimes and well we don’t always have explanations do we?

And that’s my memory for the day.

The Satisfying and the Unsatisfying

I am tempted to write about flutes again because I am still helplessly infatuated with them. They produce a wonderful tone (if played right, which I most definitely don’t). But anyway, I manage to have a better success rate with blowing on the flute, as in, I have a higher probability of producing some sound through the flute. Me yesterday would not have thought that would ever happen. But well, continuous blowing makes you get better I guess (the number of blowing, holes inappropriate jokes we made in class is mind’blowing’ (sorry, I had to put a bracket inside a bracket to acknowledge my own dumb pun)).

But the flute is fascinating, especially for me, because I think the one thing that the keyboard did was keep it quite easy for me to play it. You just had to press a key and it was reliable and sound would most definitely come out. Whether the series of notes I would play was nice to hear or not, I always knew that if I played a C, I would get the C sound. With the flute, you just blow it hoping that sound comes out and if it does that, you hope that it comes in pitch, without being too airy. There are too many things that can go unpredictably wrong with the flute and for someone who has had absolutely no background in it, it is scary. But I am taking it up as a challenge to myself because to finally produce some sound gives me so much joy.

It reminds of me as a student of Computer Science in school, during my eleventh and twelfth standard. I learnt C++ programming and I absolutely enjoyed programming. I like computer science insofar as I was not doing theory (like about networks and all). I found that I hated theory and much preferred just coding, because it was fascinating to see a bunch of variables, symbols, come together to make something fascinating. It could be something very simple as

#include <iostream.h>
void main ()
{int x, y;
cout<<“Hello”<<endl<<“Please enter one number “;
cin>>x;
y=x+6;
cout<<endl<<y;
}

The output would be something like

Hello
Please enter one number 3
9

(the 3 is user input, hence bolded)

But anyway, when my code would work, or when it would get compiled without throwing up any syntactical error, it gave me great joy. There is something so satisfying about running a code an realising that you have left behind no rogue comma or bracket, that it has all been perfectly rounded off and closed. Whether the code works or not to fulfil the purpose for which it was written, the fact that it did not throw any error was always something that provided me great comfort. Especially during times when it felt like I forgot some code or logic and when I struggle to figure out a logic for some question, I would feel extremely happy when my code would be error-free. It induced happiness in me and sometimes I wonder if my life would have been a lot different if I had chosen Computer Science here at university, or joined the bandwagon of engineering colleges that a lot of my classmates are currently burning in.

This question also arises especially during some especially hard literature classes, when I wonder about my own place in the scheme of things. My place at the department, as a student of literature. And I am afraid, afraid of my own incompetence (and though I try to tell myself that it is probably unfounded, it is easier said than realised and believed). I mean, language does have power, saying it a thousand times to myself may actually help me believe it. But right now, I am in a very vulnerable space regarding my major choice, because I still don’t feel worthy of it.

But I can say with surety that I am feeling better about it as days pass and I realise that there are things I do that surely distinguish me as a student of Literature, and I daresay, a competent one (at least for the stage I am in, in my education). And that is quite a liberating feeling in itself, that you are not as bad as you would believe. And I am hoping that this semester will provide me with some much-needed clarity about my own life and what I want from it. My college education needs to definitely see its place in a bigger picture and I am hoping that will be something that the remaining part of my degree shall show me. That I shall be able to run this code of my life, without facing any huge error (regardless of whether the code does what it is supposed to). To be error-free is not that huge an expectation to have, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Defeat, Pain, and Progress

I am extremely exhausted today, I managed to fall asleep without writing a post, finally waking up just now, at 2:20am, to write this. My brain is still half-asleep and my hands are weirdly typing around, it feels quite stupid to be writing this. But then, that has always been the deal with all my posts on days I was completely exhausted. Part of the experience is the weirdness I feel in doing this, the times when I feel like I cannot feel the tip of my fingers and every word comes out with an error that my laptop’s autocorrect finally corrects for me. Sometimes, I feel extremely demotivated by the comments of others, when they point out the pointlessness of my whole blog. People don’t really understand why this blog matters to me, why I put myself through a lot sometimes, just to write these posts.

I have stayed awake until stupid hours, I have fallen asleep and woken myself up at ungodly hours, prioritised this sometimes at the cost of doing my readings, I have written this blog through times of intense writers’ block that ruined my mental health, I have put myself through a lot to boast now of having done these many posts. But people don’t get it, they tried but they didn’t get it. There had been times when my blog had become somewhat of a joke, something to tease me about. Sometimes, I don’t really get it too, why I am writing this blog, what made me hold on so desperately to it, made me write every day for nearly 8 months. It is inexplicable, it is beautiful, it is painful, but it is still an experience very uniquely mine.

That is actually my definition for my whole life. Life inevitably ends up having heartbreak, having pain, having spellbinding beauty and grace, having inexplicable joy. Despite its many contradicting tendencies, everyone’s life is an experience, unique to their predicament, unique to them. It follows then, that it is useless to compare yourself with someone else, no matter how tempting that can be. This is with respect to everything, but especially with progress, because it is with respect to progress only that most comparisons take place. You perceive yourself as having done the same amount of work as someone else, with half the results, or (quite less frequently) twice the results. It is useless, petty even, this exercise. I want to learn to play an instrument, I am learning the keyboard by myself and I realised today that I had made some insane progress, more than what ‘others’ typically have. While that was extremely flattering for my ego, it was also harmful, to compare. There is a difference between being confident and being arrogantly confident, arrogance makes you someone who cannot accept it when things don’t go your way. And the last thing I want to be is arrogant (even though I am guilty of being arrogant many times).

Arrogance makes it difficult for you to learn anything at all. I want to learn to play the flute and I read that learning to play the flute was difficult, especially flutes like the Carnatic flute. That immediately threw me into doubt, I didn’t know if taking the course this semester was a good idea. The thing is, there is also a singing co-curricular that I am interested in, Carnatic vocals, and that is what is causing my confusion at the moment. On one hand, the opportunity to learn an instrument, one I have always wanted to learn, starting from absolute zero level, an instrument that is said to be difficult to learn to play. On the other hand, I have the opportunity to continue with a course I have already done before, starting from a comfortable level of singing, one I have always wanted to learn but can learn in other ways as of now, that I didn’t really find difficult. In the spirit of university, I am going to go with the Carnatic flute, and I am hoping I won’t regret my decision.

In fact, that is part of my arrogant self speaking, it cannot bear the thought of being horrible at something because it has drawn a comfortable dream in its head, of being at least somewhat good at the instrument. It perceives that it is good at singing, hence it has it as a plan B, if it fails miserably at learning the flute. But I hope I won’t leave the course even if I embarrass myself beyond repair in the first class, because it is important sometimes to accept crushing and humiliating defeat, for it helps you improve and to progress. In fact, that is something I have taken into mind now, especially after a few things that have happened, that are happening. With respect to my blog, despite these horrible timings, I am not ready to accept my defeat yet. In a way, I have accepted defeat by admitting to my flaws in keeping up with this blog, the problems I faced and continue to face. But it is not time to give up yet, I shall fight and push and progress because I have realised that there is no other way I know to live my uniquely defined life. That is adequate, I suppose?

And that’s my memory for the day.

The Head and the Self

I think if there’s anything I can take back from this summer with confidence, it is the knowledge that I can get something if I put enough effort into it. A month or two back, I would have never expected to be as comfortable as I am right now with playing the keyboard, for example. I have been practising as much as I could and it definitely shows in the improvement I have made, in the level of comfort I show in playing the keyboard. I can use it in a variety of places now, as I proceed to college, and for me, that is an important part of learning an instrument. The keyboard is a deceptively easy instrument, you just have to press a key to produce a particular note as compared to say, the guitar, where even the smallest of errors could leave your note or chord sounding off. The flute is also much the same.

I have an opportunity to learn to play the Carnatic flute as a co-curricular course and I am thinking about joining the course. I have always wanted to learn to play an instrument somewhat properly (as in, from a regular teacher and face-to-face interaction) and I think I would love to learn to play the flute, which is such a beautiful instrument. The keyboard is wonderful too and I hope I shall continue to play it during my time at Ashoka, I just need to find a way to fit it into my weekly schedule. Given that I was able to fit this blog in there, the keyboard shouldn’t be that huge an issue. Besides, at Ashoka, the day stretches well past midnight into the early hours in the morning. I hope I could find the time to make this keyboard thing a proper skill, more than just as a side hobby. Maybe it can help me finally realise my musical dreams (with creativity in music, etc).

Another skill that I have somewhat been working on is writing with my left hand. This is more difficult than the keyboard, partially also because I started from a more base level than with the keyboard and well, I have employed lesser time here and I have been quite casual about it and not as serious. I regret that because the progress I made was extremely encouraging and I should have taken much better care. As a way of making amends, I shall write two paragraphs as soon as I am done with this blog post. And work actively to write at least a paragraph every day for the rest of my time here. It is going to extremely tough to follow these rules, I know that from experience. But again, this is the time when I remind myself that this blog started out the same way and look how far I have made it. I am well past the half-way mark into the year. That is weirdly exciting and terrifying. I only hope that this stays the same into the next semester as well.

We are going to Belgium and France this coming week. I am thrilled to finally see the place where Napoleon Bonaparte died in Waterloo, the Louvre Museum, the Eiffel Tower, and most important of all, I am thrilled to see Disneyland Paris. I have never been to a Disneyland in my life, even though I am a huge Disney fan. I cannot wait to get there and look at stuff, I hope it will be a great trip. I would need something just before I have to leave back to India and to university, something of a talisman if you will. I am constantly looking for those because I know that I have a dark journey ahead of me and I need to be ready for it all. And while I know that a talisman is probably just made up in my head, it still helps me get through tough times. Because after all, the thing that makes a particular time tough is again the head. You can only fight the head with the head, it is something a lot of people forget. You can only fight bad thoughts with good thoughts (again, the question of good and bad is also made in the head), sadness with happiness (yes I know that sadness is a perfectly valid and sometimes important feeling, it is impossible to be 100% happy, 24/7, after all), and so on.

I think the most important thing about the head, for me, is that it can be worked around. It tells me what I can do, but I can negotiate and stretch those limits, or shrink them too, I have more freedom with it. For me, that is representative of immense potential, a potential that I wish I can make complete use of. It is difficult though, to utilise it as much as you can (the more I think about this, the more confused I become about who the ‘I’ and ‘you’ are), and there are times when I wish it was easy. It would make life much easier, no heartbreak, no pain of expectations dashed, none of the unnecessary pain that we cause ourselves by virtue of having a thinking and functioning head. But then, I remind myself that pain is part of the process, it is what reminds me that my head is functioning and thinking.

When you are happy, you sometimes forget to think, blinded, delirious. Sadness brings it to focus, reminds you of what the head holds and I think the head is a scaredy-cat, it needs to assert its presence from time to time. And well, since we are our heads for the major part, we too feel the need to assert ourselves from time to time. This whole blog is in fact, an exercise to assert myself, and this is by no means the only method I employ. Maybe there might come a time when there would be no need for this (though I don’t think it would be a very interesting world, in all honesty). But right now, all I can do is to assert myself and remind myself of myself, because well, who does like to be forgotten?

And that’s my memory for the day.

 

Instrumental Pleasures and Desires

It has always been a wish of mine to be able to play an instrument. All my life, I had a few conditions too–I said if I knew to play an instrument, it would have to be the keyboard or a violin. I had been completely obsessed with the idea of being able to coax sound out of an inanimate object. But, thanks to my own luck, I never got the opportunity to learn to play any instrument. I did not even get the opportunity to learn, properly, Carnatic Music. The only classes I had were my dance classes and I have spoken before on how those dance classes used to be. So there I was, a little girl whose wish remained unfulfilled.

It so happened that I had a very small, toy keyboard from when I was a child. It had two scales, and that was it, it was so very small. But I grew extremely fond of it, I played on it for hours on end, every day. Now, because I had no experience whatsoever with keyboards, I came up with a plan, a system by which I could teach myself some stuff to play. I numbered the keys from 1-7 and started a notebook where I could note down the things I played. I then started to teach myself some songs, and for this, I had to really rely on my own voice and singing prowess.

I would sing my song, going slowly, note after note. I would then press the keys of the keyboard till I found the key that matched the note I was singing. I would then proceed to write it all down in my notebook, I followed a system that worked perfectly alright for me. Figuring out the songs was by far, the most time-consuming work. But it was one that was extremely fruitful. In quite a small period of time, I managed to learn and teach myself to play a sizeable number of songs. I grew obsessed over that small keyboard, I was with it all the time–all the time I could spare was spent with the keyboard. That was when disaster struck.

My little keyboard broke, I mean, not in the traditional sense, but it became unfit for use, all my playing was put on hold. I was much dismayed and distraught over my sole plaything being declared worthless. All my wishes were thrown off, and I, in my ultimate disappointment decided to soothe myself by downloading an app on my phone which allowed me to play not the keyboard, but also instruments like drums, and even the guitar. But through it all, the keyboard was my favoured instrument–I probably would never progress to become ‘great’ like someone who is taught professionally, but I could still play and even had a few songs ready at any point of time. That, to me, was more important than anything.

For my birthday this time, my mother gifted me a keyboard (picture as shown). I initially scolded her a lot for her impulsive purchase. I wasn’t even taught, I played as a hobby, and it had been quite some time since I last played. For me, it felt like a waste of money on a frivolity that wasn’t required at that moment. Remember how I talked about how I was a miser? I went completely into miser-mode and spent quite a while just talking about how unnecessary the keyboard was. In retrospect, I should have shown my gratitude for the wonderful gift. I have been playing it for hours on end, every day, ever since it came to me. I have been able to move away from numbers and go by sight, I learnt a few basic fingering techniques, and my playing is a lot smoother now than it used to be. I have, completely and irrevocably, fallen in love with it.

All my life, I had faced one regret, music. I had never got the chance to learn, be it singing, or playing any instrument. I spent a lot of my time quite jealous of friends who could sing and/or play instruments. I loved music, I definitely did, especially also because I learnt Bharatanatyam. I was in constant touch with music through dance, and through cinema. I learnt all of what I know about music through listening and imitating–it became my strength, I could follow really well. For me, this keyboard is a wonder, a puzzle I want to be able to solve. My aim is that this summer, I shall learn a bit of the keyboard and become at least sufficiently confident in it, so that I could potentially play it on stage, accompanying myself. I have been working quite hard these last few days. I shall be able to succeed in my aims for the summer, shan’t I?

And that’s my memory for the day.