Defeat, Pain, and Progress

I am extremely exhausted today, I managed to fall asleep without writing a post, finally waking up just now, at 2:20am, to write this. My brain is still half-asleep and my hands are weirdly typing around, it feels quite stupid to be writing this. But then, that has always been the deal with all my posts on days I was completely exhausted. Part of the experience is the weirdness I feel in doing this, the times when I feel like I cannot feel the tip of my fingers and every word comes out with an error that my laptop’s autocorrect finally corrects for me. Sometimes, I feel extremely demotivated by the comments of others, when they point out the pointlessness of my whole blog. People don’t really understand why this blog matters to me, why I put myself through a lot sometimes, just to write these posts.

I have stayed awake until stupid hours, I have fallen asleep and woken myself up at ungodly hours, prioritised this sometimes at the cost of doing my readings, I have written this blog through times of intense writers’ block that ruined my mental health, I have put myself through a lot to boast now of having done these many posts. But people don’t get it, they tried but they didn’t get it. There had been times when my blog had become somewhat of a joke, something to tease me about. Sometimes, I don’t really get it too, why I am writing this blog, what made me hold on so desperately to it, made me write every day for nearly 8 months. It is inexplicable, it is beautiful, it is painful, but it is still an experience very uniquely mine.

That is actually my definition for my whole life. Life inevitably ends up having heartbreak, having pain, having spellbinding beauty and grace, having inexplicable joy. Despite its many contradicting tendencies, everyone’s life is an experience, unique to their predicament, unique to them. It follows then, that it is useless to compare yourself with someone else, no matter how tempting that can be. This is with respect to everything, but especially with progress, because it is with respect to progress only that most comparisons take place. You perceive yourself as having done the same amount of work as someone else, with half the results, or (quite less frequently) twice the results. It is useless, petty even, this exercise. I want to learn to play an instrument, I am learning the keyboard by myself and I realised today that I had made some insane progress, more than what ‘others’ typically have. While that was extremely flattering for my ego, it was also harmful, to compare. There is a difference between being confident and being arrogantly confident, arrogance makes you someone who cannot accept it when things don’t go your way. And the last thing I want to be is arrogant (even though I am guilty of being arrogant many times).

Arrogance makes it difficult for you to learn anything at all. I want to learn to play the flute and I read that learning to play the flute was difficult, especially flutes like the Carnatic flute. That immediately threw me into doubt, I didn’t know if taking the course this semester was a good idea. The thing is, there is also a singing co-curricular that I am interested in, Carnatic vocals, and that is what is causing my confusion at the moment. On one hand, the opportunity to learn an instrument, one I have always wanted to learn, starting from absolute zero level, an instrument that is said to be difficult to learn to play. On the other hand, I have the opportunity to continue with a course I have already done before, starting from a comfortable level of singing, one I have always wanted to learn but can learn in other ways as of now, that I didn’t really find difficult. In the spirit of university, I am going to go with the Carnatic flute, and I am hoping I won’t regret my decision.

In fact, that is part of my arrogant self speaking, it cannot bear the thought of being horrible at something because it has drawn a comfortable dream in its head, of being at least somewhat good at the instrument. It perceives that it is good at singing, hence it has it as a plan B, if it fails miserably at learning the flute. But I hope I won’t leave the course even if I embarrass myself beyond repair in the first class, because it is important sometimes to accept crushing and humiliating defeat, for it helps you improve and to progress. In fact, that is something I have taken into mind now, especially after a few things that have happened, that are happening. With respect to my blog, despite these horrible timings, I am not ready to accept my defeat yet. In a way, I have accepted defeat by admitting to my flaws in keeping up with this blog, the problems I faced and continue to face. But it is not time to give up yet, I shall fight and push and progress because I have realised that there is no other way I know to live my uniquely defined life. That is adequate, I suppose?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Good Things in Life

Today, I finished five days of starting my trying to write with my left hand. I have been practising every day, and today, after I finished, I was curious to see how much I had progressed. For me, I was still getting tired easily, my biceps start aching quite fast, and y handwriting is still not that great. Personally, I believed that my progress was really bad. But I turned back the pages to the first day and I was completely shaken by what I saw. There was a very visible, clear difference between what I wrote today and what I wrote five days back. I would not have believed the difference if I hadn’t seen it right in front of my eyes, two different pages of practice, and the difference is huge. It was an extremely pleasant surprise, I felt really proud of myself. It was something I felt I should let sit so that I can savour it properly.

With that extra confidence, I went to the keyboard to once again attempt that song that is still giving me the slip. I played it better this time, more coordination between my hands. They still ran helter-skelter many a times, but that is something I feel I can tackle as time progresses. Right now, I was able to play it better and I think, for the first time, I was seeing just how much I could progress with the sustained effort I put in. It gave me some hope for the summer, that, maybe it was not going to be a waste of time after all. I had been really afraid that my summer would just be a big flop, where I would end up doing nothing at all. But if I could teach myself to play the keyboard, write with my left hand, work at a charity shop, and do a summer course at King’s College London, I would consider my summer pretty damn successful.

I think that’s a liberating feeling, to think that maybe things are not going to turn out that bad after all. Yes, I possibly cannot put the things I have done, on my CV, but boohoo to that. These are still things I have done, I may not have had a publishing internship or a research one, I did not spend my summer writing content for some website or some company. I, by university standards, did not do much. But I finally seem to have let go of those comparisons, in favour of my own mental health and well being as well as skills. All that’s missing right now is for me to write more this break, but I have always felt that writing should happen organically. So when I write, I shall write, rather than force myself to do it. After all, this blog is still happening, despite the multiple obstacles. I would keep the forced writing to the blog, and focus my energy on writing new things when my juices flow that way.

I also think that health-wise, I am getting better. My period was on time this month, I am being more active (though I wasn’t for the initial couple of weeks at least when I came here), even mentally I am filled with more hope and enthusiasm. I feel more like the happy unicorn, who is always joking, laughing, and smiling, rather than the sulking, sleeping, and tired hippopotamus. It is not a very conscious lifestyle choice, I think it is the cumulative effect of better food and less work–what a deadly, life-giving combination, I must say. I cannot help but wonder if my current enthusiasm also stems from the fact that my hormones are now more regulated, after all just a few days back, I was feeling quite down. Hormones, I tell you, they run haywire and make people blow hot and cold.

But for what it’s worth, I am in better spirits and health right now, I am seeing that my summer might not be such a huge disaster after all. There a thousand beautiful and cute and happy things I can see and appreciate. I am happy and I am not going to swallow my happiness and tone it down. Not when it feels like it’s been a while since I felt this way. I just want to savour the good stuff as long as they last. I just want to go out, look at stuff, read, write, learn and feel at peace. I just want to be able to sleep comfortably, not fight with anyone and end up ruining my own mood and happiness for the days that follow. Is that too much to ask?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Frustrated Progress

There is just something annoying about starting to learn something new that you struggle really hard with. You want to be better already, visions of being better constantly plague your mind as you desperately search for some other motivation to continue doing what you’re doing. I have recently started trying to learn to write with my left hand because I thought it would be a cool skill to have. Moreover, apparently, training your non-dominant hand also helps you when you’re trying to play an instrument. So here I am, trying to kill two birds with one stone–keyboard and cool skill. Also, I have always been fascinated by left-handed people–it took me quite a while to realise that they were just like me albeit with a different dominant hand. Also, I thought it would be a cool story for after the summer break–“So what did you do during the summer?” “Oh well, I taught myself to write with my left hand, and play the keyboard, apart from other things, of course.” I can already imagine the impressed faces (allow me these few seconds of dreaming, please)

But here’s the deal, learning to write with my left hand is really hard. My hand just wobbles and my lines and letters go jiggling across everywhere. On the bright side, I guess I am slightly better off in that it still remains legible, but that is really no consolation. I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting. It is my ‘non-dominant’ hand for a reason, it is not going to write beautifully out of the blue unless I actively train it. So after just three days of starting to train, I am already getting frustrated because I feel like I am seeing no noticeable changes. There are some small changes, of course, little more speed and a little bit more control, my hand doesn’t ache so quickly. Those are wonderful positives, but I want to get to the result already. Same goes with my keyboard also, I am struggling with this one song that needs both my hands. My hands go haywire, they don’t play in sync and I am getting really frustrated. Again, I don’t know what I was expecting, people spend years trying to learn these things, I cannot expect to master it in a few weeks. Moreover, I am doing pretty great already and struggles are normal, I have made incredible progress.

I think there is this fear we all harbour, that if we are not good at it when we start, we might never be good at it ever. It completely kills our motivation and makes us give up even before we start. I see my handwriting, see my playing and I wonder if maybe I should give up. Those visions in my head are ready to be shattered and vanquished. But then, I remind myself that I have gone that far, might as well go as much as possible. If I fail after that, well, it will be heartbreaking definitely. It will feel like it was wasted effort, but it wasn’t. It was an activity that gave me much joy, if it doesn’t make me a Beethoven or Bach, that’s okay. It has already made me a Yashasvi with a cool new trick and also a Yashasvi who is feeling happier after a long time. To be honest, I think that’s quite a steal (I guess, retail is getting to me these days).

When I got my first book in Tamil, when my father brought home a book from the library, I had just started learning to read and write in the language. I was extremely slow with reading the book, I would read out loud, each word taking me a considerable amount of time. When I read the first page, I felt dishearted, and I closed the book. We had a bunker bed back then, and I used to sleep on the top bunk while my parents slept in the bottom bunk (which was a queen sized bed, so it fit the both of them). I had been sitting with my legs dangling over the sides, while my dad was standing right in front of me to see me read. When I closed it, he said, “well, go on, try reading more.” and I said, “i can’t read Tamil, I am really bad at it. See how much time it is taking me.” He just laughed and said that I should keep trying and that one day in the future, I would be able to read very fast and I will be laughing at myself. I decided to give it a try. I read every day, taking it one page at a time. Now I sit here, laughing at myself for trying to give up so early. I was top of my Tamil class, much loved by my teacher, I love Tamil that much too. All because I waited and didn’t lose hope when I struggled.

Today, I was PMSing, and I was ranting to a guy friend of mine about PMS and things related to my periods and periods in general. When the conversation was happening, I was reflecting on how much I had moved from where I had started with. If anyone had told me, same time last year, that I would be discussing period problems with a guy, let alone that I would have a guy best friend, I would have laughed at the absurd possibility. Moreover, I am quite positive that one of my first thoughts would have been, “So I won’t find any female friend to discuss my periods with or what?” This wasn’t a very conscious journey, to be honest, I did not ‘train’ myself to become friends with guys or anything. I just found guys I could be friends with, and now suddenly, here I am, reaping the fruits of an unconscious effort I had made.

This is the kind of thing I hope to achieve with my trying to learn to write with my left hand or playing the keyboard. Where I realise, suddenly, at the end of a long journey, that I had made myself capable of doing something I hadn’t ever thought I would be able to do. Won’t it be delightful? That, I think, is the beauty of sustained effort. That progress, is so gradual and almost invisible during the process itself, that when you suddenly get reminded to look back, you realise that you have moved quite the distance. There is a saying in Tamil, “Siru thuli, peru vellam” (small drop, big flood). These days, when I spend my time maniacally trying to play a song on the keyboard, or scribbling in my notebook, or doing those writing exercises, they are all small drops. These drops shall one day come together to make up a flood that will surge forth with amazing power. That flood shall not drown my villages, but instead bring forth the minerals and the soil to ensure they all flourish. Sometimes, a kind of progress that creeps up on you is much more gratifying than all those instant ones, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

 

Mentally Challenging Days and Resilience

I am currently listening to this track that says “Happiness Frequency – Serotonin, Dopamine and Endorphin Release Music, Binaural Beats Calming Music” on YouTube. Today was a very mentally challenging day. I snapped at various different people for various things. I think it will do me good to come out with this post right now because I feel it will be healing for me.

I do not claim to know how to de-stress. Hell, if I knew that I would not be sitting here right now trying hard to reflect back on my appalling behaviour through the day. It is not in my nature to be a burden or the kind of person people struggle to be with. I like to think that I am a fairly open-minded person who is easy to speak to and mingle with. I am but human and it is very difficult at times for me to hold on to the happy unicorn/ easy, ‘nice’ persona. There are things that set me off and I am not very happy when things like that happen because they make me feel out of control and put me on edge.

My frustration today came because of the behaviour of some members of Sandhi, a club very close to my heart, that I have been with since its inception. We had a stall at our inter-collegiate fest and I really wanted it to be a huge success. I put my efforts into it, taking up what was asked of me with a smile, even though I had other work to do and I was functioning on less sleep. While my own inadequacy in managing my time cannot be used to justify how I behaved with people, I think it was one of the many things bubbling right under the surface. These specific members didn’t show up despite having signed up for managing the stall and came up with the most insincere excuses to not show up. I hate people who don’t show up for things without proper reason.

It was these people that I was angry on and it came out in a very uncontrolled way, going completely out of my hand that I had to forcefully make myself shut up so that I won’t stir anything new up. After my work was done, I promptly left the stall to go do something else because I didn’t trust myself. I went to get ice cream (a treat for bad behaviour, it would seem) and look at the other stalls. I tried to get my mind off it. But it didn’t leave my mind. The more I actively tried to forget it, the more firmly it stood in my mind. I kept on thinking about it and berating myself for my own behaviour.

In view of trying to make amends, I sent a message to our group apologising for my behaviour. But for me, that is not enough. I need to work this out of my system if I want to be peaceful. And I believe this blog post would help me with that. I also will go and talk to some people after this to gain some form of closure. I am not the best at handling myself and my emotions, I can easily bounce out of control. But college has made me a lot more resilient and I lose control far lesser times these days. There is still a long way to go, but I am making progress and despite the relapses, that is always a good thing, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.