The I in WrIting

I think it can be argued that every text has a public, whether or not this public engages and interacts with it the way the author wants. In that case, even this blog has a public. What this public does with what I publish in this blog is completely out of hands, all I can claim about this writing is that I wrote it and that’s where my authority ends. I hold the authority in the sense that I control what goes on the pages/posts. This is an immense responsibility, regardless of the absolutely mundane and exaggerating that are being written about. 

I have always been passionate about writing, primarily because I found it to let me live a world I wanted to. Books gave me worlds but I wanted different worlds from the ones I found in books. I could not find what I wanted, so I created new ones for myself, filled with what I wanted and nothing more. I think I am so utterly tired that I am quite sure I had a few dreams in a short 10-minute nap I just gave myself. 

My head is aching and I am pretty sure I have an upset stomach but university life demands that I suck it up and deal with my problems like a strong child. And I do, I have been extremely tolerant and brave many times, I have pulled myself through difficult times and managed to hold on to my sanity through it all. So I tell myself all these things as I pack my things up and get ready for more studying and a night of work. 

Today, we workshopped a story I had written in my Introduction to Creative Writing class. I was left quite delighted, unexpectedly pleased because people had such nice things to say about it. I was quite not expecting that at all, in fact, in my head, I was convinced my story was the worst in the whole week and that people were going to be extremely savage and critical of what I had written. To get good comments, (and not to mention, extremely flattering compliments from both the TA and the professor) felt great. We could all do more with having such feelings in abundance, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Hard Amends

I am much too sleepy to type and write this blog post right now. I had been holding out on this marvellous sleeping for a while now and the last few days seem to have been a real problem for me. I had been horrible to myself last semester and this semester, I have already been inexcusably bad to myself that I know for a fact that I have really affected my mind and body. But I have promised myself that I shall work on amends, that I shall make them as effective as possible. But of course, the first step is to realise that you messed up big time and being willing to move on.

After yesterday’s breakdown, I feel a lot better in general about myself and the situations I have managed to find myself tangled up in. One of the major things that had been on my mind was my own foolish fancies about this guy I like, and I was allowing myself to be carried away by things like messages and whatnot. Now, I would think of my behaviour as extremely stupid, expectable but stupid. So one of my primary objectives right now is to work through these seemingly stupid decisions, slowly by parts, to try and understand myself and essentially set up a system where I would be less prone to this kind of behaviour. But of course, that is not to say that I do not feel any pain at all about whatever has happened, because I do and the pain is numbing. I only hope that I shall be able to find the mental strength to pull through this pain.

It is just the second week of the semester and I already feel reminded of some of the worst days from last semester. Maybe it goes to say that there are more hard things in store for me, that there are much tougher challenges that I would have to tackle in the course of this semester. And I won’t lie, that is not something I am excited about. But I think what I would tell myself is that I can prove to myself that I have an inner strength that I can depend on, that I am someone who can hold her own fortress. While right now it doesn’t really seem like much of a founded belief, what I am hoping is that I can prove me wrong. Right now, I feel like one of the theorists I am studying in my Introduction to Literary Theory class, what with my saying the same thing over and over again, with different words.

I think that is one thing about the workload at university and the amount I need to study. I feel like, as a student, I have made some incredible progress, that my brain has grown indescribably, to be able to allow me to accommodate the different things that are happening in class. I am most definitely becoming smarter (while also simultaneously becoming dumber in places of common sense, but that is a situation I aim to rectify in the near future) and I can feel it and that is a great feeling. I think I do like education, at least right now, at this point in time. Maybe during finals week or mid-term week, I shall be singing a different tune. But right now, I think I should take it in stride, stop being stupid in the many places where being stupid affects my physical being and prove to myself that I am not a force to be trifled with, not even by myself. I think that’s always the hardest part to execute, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Breakdown and Heal

I lost too many things today, too many that I cannot count. Too much has happened, that I am overwhelmed, despondent and a thousand other things all at once and I can do absolutely nothing about it. Everything seems to be going wrong, I do not know how to handle anything, I have skipped too many meals, I have completely and undeniably lost myself. And it is not the good kind of losing myself, it is the kind which makes me panic, makes my chest hurt, my head hurt, my throat to close up and make me unable to breathe. I can already feel the physical effects of everything that has been happening around me. Even during my hardest times, I have never felt like there was nothing at all that happened in a day that made me the slightest bit happy. And that is scary because I have never been that hopeless before.

I have a presentation tomorrow that I am terrified about, the thing that has been bothering me the last few days reared its head once again and this time, reared its head and promptly jumped off a cliff and took my heart with it. And well, the pain is not just mental but also very physical and even though I may not have broken bones to prove it, the pain I felt was very much real. The worst part for me though was the fact that I allowed myself to be vulnerable to such pain, to indirectly cause myself that pain. That I had shamelessly cheered myself on undertaking this journey. So now, it is back to bite me in my derriere, that I allowed myself to be carried away by the foolish fancies of my whimsical mind. If there’s anything I have known until now, foolish fancies are just that, foolish. They don’t deserve the importance or hope that I harboured for them, they took that hope and used it to suck the remaining hope from out of me. The dream of the orphanage and the loner life seem much more plausible right now. Maybe I am underestimating myself, maybe I am not. But of all the things I know, I know I at least deserve that dream of an orphanage.

I wrote myself this note today in the morning when I woke up. I told myself that these were going to be my basic postulates, that I was going to follow them, ingrain them into my psyche and keep as true to them as possible. Well, I do feel nauseous now because I have too many things that I am worried about and also because I have not had proper food since morning. I also broke down and while having a breakdown is scary and preferably avoided, I think I needed the breakdown for release. I feel much better after the break down because it helped me get some of the bad thoughts out, some of the negative emotions out. And while I am not exactly proud of having a breakdown so early on in the semester, it was not something I could have avoided. And for me, I think I need to understand that this does not pose a judgement on my resilience and strength. I am strong, I am brave and I am going to get better. Starting with now, so I am going to get some work done and get to bed. Sleep is important after all, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Messy Situations

It is funny that I am sitting here and I want nothing more to get to a breakdown already just so that I can get back to normal after that. It feels like I am juggling too many things at the same time and my brain does not enough capacity to deal with it all at the same time. But my brain also seems stubborn enough to wait it out and hold on for as long as possible. It is like I realise that a breakdown shall make me feel better but at the same time, my breakdown does not seem to want to happen any time soon. It is like the sneeze that is not coming but you know that sneezing shall make it all better. And so you wait for your body to decide that it can finally sneeze, but the wait is horrible.

Now, the thing with the sneeze is that it can be induced (apparently). I do not know this for sure, I do not endorse this method, but apparently looking directly at a bright light makes you sneeze (and also go blind, which is a minor inconvenience/side effect in hind’sight’). But is there any way that you can induce a breakdown and then proceed with your life in happiness. I do not know and I daresay I never shall. So at the moment, I am only hoping that I will have some breakdown of some kind and live in peace after that. It is too early in the semester to have a breakdown, but honestly, who defines what’s early or late? It is all a social construct and well, if it shall help me deal with stuff, then I don’t really see why it is such a problem.

But I think the problem comes because I have the view that breakdowns are for the mentally weak. Before someone comes at me with a menacingly positioned rake, let me explain that this is actually a viewpoint I hold predominantly for myself. Why? Because I am the only one who knows what pushes me to a breakdown and well, I can very well make a judgement on the seriousness of the issue. And let me say that when it comes to matters that concern me, I am not the most understanding or kind. But nonetheless, what I feel is that I have given away too much of myself and my mental space to others and this is being extremely harmful to my own mental health. Now, all I have to do is see how I can get out of this extremely messy situation, unharmed. Sounds like an easy job, right?

And that’s my memory for the day.

 

History of Words Failed

It feels like years since I wrote my papers for my last semester. In reality, it has been roughly a little over two months. But these two months have seemed to have worked against me, in that right now, as I sit to write my paper that is due tomorrow that I have been struggling with for over a week now, I find that words fail me and my mind goes blank and I feel hopeless. two months back, I was in a similar state. I had been struggling to get words out of me, trying my level best to work out what I was trying to say, but failing miserably. I had felt hopeless then, I feel hopeless now. But unlike that time, this time there is an added element of a kind of cavalierness, that I am very disappointed by. This is my final paper for my course and I should not be this way, but there seems to be a part of me that has resigned itself to its fate, so to speak. For me, that is my biggest challenge right now. To overcome the thousand negative voices in my head that are blocking my words from coming through. Right now, they’re coming out well alright. It is just with regards to the paper, apparently, and this is something I should try my level best to overcome.

I tried reading some of my previous papers, in the hope that I could tell myself that I had been able to overcome this dump and emerge victorious. But right now, it feels quite bleak, motivation is hard to find. I have been trying to do different things to make myself get the enthusiasm and the never say never attitude, but it is so hard to hold on to. I think you truly appreciate the value of being motivated only when you realise that you are struggling to find motivation and inspiration. But no, I refuse to let myself feel sorry for myself. This is also partly (read, largely) my fault. It is because I have been casual about what needed to be done that I am now reaping the benefits. But I believe in myself, I think I can turn this around. Even if I write a bad first draft, I would be glad to work more on it. I need that first draft now, more than anything else. I think I should follow what I am doing with this blog right now, just type whatever comes to my head without concerning myself about what words I am using and how I can say something better. Experience has taught me that I can have decent flow if I just let my mind do as it wants to.

I wrote a poem today, in my absolute wretched mood. I was sitting in the train, I had just gotten in, I had been close to tears because I wasn’t faring well with my paper. And so, I felt like writing and out tumbled the words, I was done in two minutes maximum. I am sharing that right here, because I want to.

Don’t lose it, do not ever lose it
What’s that you ask?
My sanity and will?
It’s gone down that road if you see closely
Yes, that road where perils lie
Where every turn you take
Leaves your head whizzy and disoriented
That same road that confusion loved to take
The road not taken
By the frosty coldness of self-assuredness

Self-assured is a new word
Add it to that dictionary of yours
Even if you may never have use for it
It is good to know some things
Even if you don’t have them
It gives you hope
That some day you might
Like knowing the specs of a brand new phone
Knowing your old one is not leaving
Anytime soon

Now come on, what are you thinking?
Wishing words came this easily
Wishing words came?
Wishing words?
Wishing?
Don’t wish, for to wish is like adding items
To your unused wish list on Amazon
You know you won’t get them
They cost too much
But you still keep them there
In the hope
That some day you will

That hope, that same hope
That makes you think right now
That you can bring it all back
Under control, under control
You know that’s a lie
But you still hope
Because hope sustains
And hope is a lie

I think this is a good time to remind myself that I have my ideas, and that they are pretty solid in their own right. All that remains to be done is just to write them. Words have failed to come to me before, they struggle to come to me even right now. But I have my brain intact, it gives me words like it is doing right now. All is not lost, I have fought these battles before, I am fighting them again. It is not easy, it does not get easier with time, but if I had the strength to win last time, I can find that strength this time too. But what remains is the question, am I willing to try to find it?

And that’s my memory for the day.

Withdrawal

Well, today was a day of many disappointments and frustrations. The last couple of days have been bad for me, mental headspace wise. I want to take a break, withdraw from what I can (internet, people, the likes), all so that I find the space and tools to heal myself, properly this time. I think it is quite long overdue, I have been cutting corners with myself for too long now and at that rate, I would have crashed sooner or later and made a huge spectacle of myself. In a way, I am making myself believe that this disaster right now, can be slapped on with a ‘crisis averted’ sticker.

My need to withdraw also meant, I guess, a break from this blog. But I owe it to myself to write here every day. I initially even had a workaround for this complication. I need not post it on my blog, but I could write my posts for each day, say, on a word document and then at the end of whatever, I could just bulk post them. Or maybe, I could play around tamper with the post timings a bit. But that’s wrong, I don’t want to cheat. I want to face this head-on, tackle the problem and emerge victorious fair and square. So here I am, battling sleepiness to write this post with my inexperienced hands. This post is not long enough, my apologies. But take this as part of my healing, I will be ‘away’ for a while. But I hope to come back, stronger and roaring. I will, won’t I?

And that’s my memory for the day.